Absences

So I haven't blogged in weeks, which is rubbish as I was aiming for three posts a week (will it EVER happen?), however my life has been quite a roller-coaster of late.

A week before christmas my beloved grandmother was diagnosed with acute leukemia and given a prognosis of only three months to live. As you could imagine the fantastic timing lead to the worst christmas on records with tears and awkward silences at record highs. It was so hard knowing that it would be our last christmas with her, and it made celebrations feel false and pointless. 

Me and my mum tried to do something every weekend with my nan, and mum had cut back her working hours so she could spend two days in the week with her mum. Me and my mum have a very similar relationship to my mum and nan, we are exceptionally close, loving and honest with each other. We are both exceptionally affectionate and have both a physically and psychologically intimate relationship; with lots of cuddles and very few secrets. This closeness meant that we supported each other through the whole ordeal, and in ways it has brought us closer together. 

As time progressed I began experiencing a growing sense of doom, it felt that in a matter of time life was going to implode, everything was hanging in the balance; my family, my mental stability and my education. Fast-forwarding four months, my grandmother had already outlived her three months so we were now playing with what felt like borrowed time. 

Although for four months everything was going well, my nan was getting transfusions every few weeks and although she was tired she was still able to live a normal life. However all of this changed three weeks ago. Transfusions stopped working and all of a sudden the plateau that my nan had been on suddenly began to fall away and her blood levels plummeted. 

Death is hard, but seeing someone you love suffering is worse. Death almost came as a relief, it gave her back her dignity and ended her pain and tourment. 

Currently Im in shock. For the last weeks my concentration has been on my Nan and worrying about how she has been feeling however it seems that the transaction between feeling sorry for her and feeling sorry for myself is not complete and Im stuck in a limbo. 

Losing a loved one is hard and it hi-lights the fragility of human life. Its so easy to say 'I'll do it tomorrow' and life life in the future not the present. However one day 'tomorrow' wont come, so if there is something you want to do, or want to say do it as soon as you can, because wants the point in waiting?